The Girl Code

HELLO! No, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth. Life has bent me over and sodomized me repeatedly, not fabulous when you are an unwilling participant, if you catch my drift. So I haven’t exactly found myself in much of a writing mood lately, my apologies!

I’m here to tell you about a silly book I heard about, and just ordered. It’s not directly about fashion, but it does contain a little fashion bit in there. The book is called, The Girl Code: The Secret Language of Single Women (On Dating, Sex, Shopping, and Honor Among Girlfriends) by Diane Farr. I have recently found myself single again, and after all these years, “The Girl Code” is emblazoned on my brain. There are so many women out there that don’t have a conscious and are out for themselves. They don’t have any appreciation for the real friendship one should have with girlfriends. I’m positive you have run across a few and know exactly what I’m talking about.

Some women think they know the girl code; some simply don’t give a shit. If you are a female and you find that you have at least a handful of girlfriends that have been around since high school/college and you have never had a fight over a man or even a dress…you all know The Girl Code and you live by it. If a majority of your friends are guys (with the exception of the girl you met at work a year ago that never hangs out) you need to run out and buy the book, download it, Kindle the damn thing and learn it inside and out!

It really baffles me how some women can be “fine” without really deep female friendships. There is no way in hell that I would be the woman I am today without the support and advice I have gotten from my dearest friends.

So here is about the book, I think I’ll do a Part 2 with the "Girl Code" my friends and I live by. Anyway…the Table of Contents and an excerpt from the book.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

How Do You Know a Single Girl's Home When You See One? 9

Introduction: Get On Your Broom and Go 11

I. Speaking in Code
Titles 20
Types of Dates 29
Stages 38
Long-Distance Operators 47
Seasonal Lovers 56
Before, During, and After 65
Hairy Situations 72
Fighting 78
Gifts 86
When the Fat Lady Sings 95
II. The Code of Behavior and Ethics
Girls' Night Out 106
Making Your Move 114
First Date Forget-Me-Nots 121
Rules of the Wild 128
Shopping at the Mall 133
Wedding Party Politics 139
Lines to Never Cross 145
Tests 153
Kinds of Love 158
Chick Tricks 164
III. The Boy Code
What They Say 170
What They Do 178
IV. The Mother Code
The Top Five Laws of The Girl Code 188

In Closing: One Sentence of Advice 192

AN EXCERPT

I. Speaking In Code

You know those little disclaimers on the sides of cigarettes and alcohol? Well, if your next date came with a warning label, it would contain the following information down the side of his leg. This is the common language of girlfriends who've been there.

Titles: "We don't see things as they are,we see them as we are."- Anaïs Nin

THE BOY: If you change suitors so fast that they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to by this generic title.

For Women Who: Need to explain to numerous people what's going on in their love life, are between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one or over twenty-seven, have overbearing mothers and aunts in their life, have called off more than one engagement.

As a Modifier: "It's been two months now; I think the boy has reached name status: his name is Dick, and I'm pretty sure he isn't one."

MR. RIGHT NOW: This is the guy friend of yours who doesn't have a real job, and is always ready and available when you want to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn't remember in the morning. He's not "Mr. Right," but he may be good enough to be "Mr. Right Now."

When to Retire Him: Immediately after college,when you're not so afraid of a real man,When he asks you for cab fare home, after a particularly lonely holiday season.

As an Excuse: "It's not that I'm afraid of a committed relationship; at the moment all I need is to find a new keg and to pull Mr. Right Now out from underneath the empty one."

THE [fill in the blank] GUY: When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes... that guy.

Best Types of References: The kind of car he drives (The Camaro Guy), his occupation (The Personal Trainer Guy),where you met him (The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy),the way in which he behaved in the morning if you've already woken up with him (The Cuddle Guy, The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.).

As an Object: "He's the guy that slipped the maître d' twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner-you know, the Good Manners Guy."

THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT: When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy-who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value. Hello!

You Will Never: Fix him to your liking, change anything but the window dressing, turn him into the guy who got away, build the bionic man (...Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).

As a Reminder: "Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project."

A BENEFACTOR: This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything. (But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)

Things to Look Out for: A wife, some kids,the fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll, that anyone who can hang out with someone who's fifteen years younger than him is a loser.

As a Reprimand: "No, he's not my father... he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!"

P.D.A. BOY: The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.

Usually Causing: Your friends to abuse you, your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically, one person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon, an inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or "I love you" phrase.

As an Error: "So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now."

A WELCOME MATT: his is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin' on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock 'n' roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)

When Did You Decide: To act like AstroTurf? That he's so much better than you are? That you didn't need therapy anymore? That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right? As a Wake-Up Call: "Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it."

LUGGAGE: After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.

Necessary Requirements: At least one ally to help you ditch or save face, A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here, A good seat for viewing or hiding, a ladies' room to escape to if the game gets too intense.

As a Plea to God: "I must have 'Samsonite Customer Service' stamped right on my forehead, because I cannot lose this luggage for the life of me."

Copyright (c) 2001 by Diane Farr

Please email or comment YOUR "girl codes", I'd love to add them to my list.